Why Do I Feel Guilty for Putting Myself First?

 

You finally decide to take a day off.

You turn down an offer to do something.

You buy something that you need.

You decide to rest rather than help another person.

And suddenly the guilt shows its face.

“Am I supposed to do this?”

It’s very unusual for a lot of people to be taking time out for themselves.

They get the significance of taking care of themselves, yet at the same time feel guilty for doing so.

This applies to you if you feel the same way.

It’s not because you don’t know how to take care of yourself.

It’s just that you know how to take care of everyone except for yourself.

When being needed becomes part of your identity

People-pleasing can make usefulness emotionally fulfilling.

You turn into the person that everybody dials.

The reliable friend.

The good kid.

The co-worker that is always there to help.

The adaptable partner.

Being relied on can get associated with your sense of self over time.

Therefore, when you begin putting yourself first, it feels like being selfish – even when you’re just becoming more balanced.

Why does self-care create guilt?

There are numerous potential explanations for this.

You might believe that being selfish means putting yourself before others.

Maybe you've always received praises whenever you helped people.

You may also be convinced that the best way of avoiding conflicts is by conceding.

Or you may just find yourself at ease when you're active since you're used to having obligations.

Such kinds of perceptions may influence your interpretation of your needs.

More than anything else, telling yourself, “Don’t feel guilty,” isn't enough.

Your needs don't have to compete with everyone else's

Prioritizing yourself does not always entail placing everyone else on the bottom of the list.

In fact, healthy relationships are not meant to be a competition.

It is possible to support someone without draining yourself.

It is also possible to care about your family members but also want alone time.

It is even possible to love your partner and have your own separate needs.

That is where boundaries come into play.

A boundary allows for the existence of both your needs and those of others at the same time.

Self-care is not selfish

Self-care is not always comfortable or fun.

Sometimes it involves getting some sleep rather than replying to yet another message.

Sometimes it involves asking for assistance.

Sometimes it involves talking openly and honestly.

Sometimes it involves walking away from a bad scenario.

Sometimes it involves booking a counselling session because you realize that you have been suffering longer than you thought.

Self-care is all about caring for your wellness as something worthy of protection.

Self-worth shouldn't depend on sacrifice

One of the underlying assumptions fueling chronic guilt could be:

“My value lies in my usefulness to others.”

In such a case, the feeling of relaxation seems to be undeserved.

You feel like you should finish all your duties before you can rest.

However, there will probably always be something left to do.

Someone else who needs your help.

Some kind of obligation.

Since your value comes from endless giving, you will never feel like you’ve earned your relaxation.

Your self-worth must be separate from what you do or don’t do.

You have worth regardless of being engaged in any activity.

What people-pleasing can teach us

People-pleasing is not just being "too nice."

It may at times show your fear.

The fear of being rejected.

The fear of failing to meet others' expectations.

The fear of conflict.

The fear of appearing selfish.

The fear of not being loved anymore when you cease to be of use.

Recognizing these fears is more constructive than being hard on yourself for having them.

That is one way why therapy works.

A conducive therapy environment can assist you in figuring out how these thoughts arose and how they affect your current relationships.

What if people don't like your new boundaries?

Some relationships will shift when you start putting yourself first.

Those people used to having you readily available may take note.

They may question why you have shifted.

You shouldn't feel the need to apologize for doing what's healthy.

This does not mean you ignore everything that happens. Open communication is still important.

But someone being disappointed at times does not automatically mean you've done something wrong.

Relationship counseling can help as well for partners or family members adjusting to boundaries.

Try asking a different question

Instead of asking:

"Am I being selfish?"

Ask:

"Am I also being fair to myself?"

This slight alteration in the question may make a whole lot of difference when it comes to analyzing it.

Before you do anything for anyone without giving it a second thought, ask yourself the following questions:

Am I emotionally ready?

Am I willing to do this?

Am I doing it because I want to or I am scared of the reaction I may get from that person?

What is it that I need?

What will I advise my beloved if she/he was in my place?

Putting yourself first sometimes means protecting your future self

When you continually disregard your own needs, it is not always true that the repercussions will happen instantly.

You will be subjected to such things as emotional exhaustion, anger, irritation, disconnection, and emotional overload at some point.

Doing so at an earlier time will help prevent you from experiencing the build-up of all of these things.

This does not mean that you can make sure that your life will be completely free from stress.

You are part of the equation

You don't have to be either a compassionate person or someone who is compassionate towards themselves.

Both things can coexist.

Personal development usually entails realisation that compassion must flow in both directions.

You can provide empathy to other people and learn how to give it to yourself.

With the help of the services offered by EchoSoul, you will gain an insight into patterns connected to self-esteem, people pleasing, setting boundaries, and emotional stress.

Valuing oneself does not mean thinking that you are better than everyone else.

It means that you value yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions based on your article:

1. Why do I feel guilty for putting myself first?

Guilty feelings about putting yourself first arise because of people-pleasing traits, fear of disappointing other people, or thoughts that your worthiness lies in serving other people. Taking care of yourself does not mean that you are being selfish; instead, you are taking responsibility for your emotional state and limits.

2. Is putting yourself first selfish?

Putting yourself first is not selfish at all. Self-care does not imply lack of empathy; in fact, taking care of yourself shows that you respect your needs but are not neglecting those of others. Thus, you can take care of your family, friends, or partners but will not sacrifice your time and emotional state constantly.

3. How do I stop feeling guilty about self-care?

First of all, try to remind yourself that it is unnecessary to feel like you have to earn your rest. Reflect on whether you do what you do voluntarily or due to the fear of rejection or argument. Understanding your needs and setting boundaries will help reduce your guilt in the long run.

4. Will therapy help me with people-pleasing and self-guilt?

Yes, therapy will help you learn more about your patterns regarding people-pleasing, low self-esteem, emotional stress, inability to set boundaries, and other issues.